“It is Wednesday before Equip Weekend and my heart feels like it is shattering into one million pieces. My tears stream down my face as I try and pick up the pieces. My mind is racing because I just cannot see how I am going to make it through this pain. Then I realized I just need to get to Friday because I know this weekend will give me the breakthrough I need. My Thursday is a total fuzz and I can’t seem to pray at all, when I try it is a half-hearted prayer and I feel ALONE. I feel somewhat abandoned. I listened to 3 preaching’s during the course of the day, the information made sense but I felt unworthy of it. Somehow it stuck in my mind for the remainder of the day. Even with me feeling so totally useless I still tell everyone I see during that day about the preaching’s and how it is life changing. Even sending them the links to watch it. I do however have a heaviness on my heart, because I know that I have a desperate need to be closer to God. I want to hear His voice and stay in His presence.
I have the privilege to see the sunrise Friday morning and the only thing going through my mind, besides that it is so beautiful, is that this pain is seriously dragging me down. The day goes by… and it feels like an eternity until 18:30 comes and Equip Weekend begins. Finally I drive into the gates of the venue and I feel somewhat anxious. I quickly shake it off, because I know THIS is going to be my breakthrough. As I walk into the room I feel extremely overwhelmed. I greet a few people and quickly make my way to a chair. As I sit down, the tears roll down my face. In my mind I feel so powerless. I tell myself to pull it together. But the tears stream down like a river. Soon the room fills up and you can hear laughter, and as I am used to, I adapt to the surroundings. And it begins!!! I made notes and listened and I gained so much information. Initially, I thought that I am not taking any of the information in, because my mind was preoccupied. I realized the entire time the enemy was attacking me left, right and center. The enemy made me feel worthless, unworthy, made me think that I would not be able to follow a good, no great, Christian walk with my Heavenly Father and actually maintain it this time. Just before closing. we get asked to stand up and close our eyes. i did not listen to everything as my mind was racing back and forth while I am having this battle in my mind and to top it all off, my broken, shattered heart did not make it any easier. He tells us to visualize how we see ourselves, how God sees us. I had to visualize a mask falling off my face. I closed my eyes, feeling like I am standing totally alone and I saw the mask fall, shattering into a million pieces. I got this ‘hot water running over my entire back” feeling and I realized that I have felt this before. And I waited, and waited. What seemed like forever I was starting to ask God why is He not showing me anything? Why am I not hearing His voice? And there is was again, tears, the feeling of being rejected… I was about to open my eyes and then it happened. I saw myself running towards Jesus, jumped into His arms and He was embracing me in the best hug I have ever felt, He held me so tight that I could feel His love and presence. He placed me on his lap, took my hair out of my face and kissed me on the cheek. This came to me:Exodus 33:21 “Then the Lord said, Behold, there is a place beside Me, and you shall stand there on the rock” I was blown away. Suddenly I felt strong. I just wanted to be close to Him, feel that I am good enough and that I am accepted. I felt like I could just leave everything and everyone behind and stay in His arms forever.
The night was coming to an end everyone left. I have this child like excitement in me. I get home and I watch a short video clip I received earlier in the day. The title… How to Hear God’s Voice. Coincidental? I don’t think so, I knew that it was perfectly timed by God. I placed my phone down, sat up straight in bed in total darkness. And I just repeated the words over and over again: “be still and know that I am God”. I have no idea how long I sat and listened and prayed and asked. I had a headache. I said to God that I cannot even concentrate with the headache and if He would please just take it away, because tonight I am sitting up straight until I hear His voice. My headache disappeared and i continued to listen and pray. Eventually my broken heart crept up again and I was fighting back my tears. I felt defeated. I slipped into my bed, tucked my head under the blanket and try to fall asleep. In some why I felt like a failure again, because why does Jesus not want to talk to me? I was thinking about the vision I had earlier that evening and I could not make sense of it. And again, His time not mine I had the privilege to revisit that vision of me running to Jesus and experiencing that feeling, oh and how happy my heart was.
This time however He placed me on the ground in front of Him. My back was against His chest and he surrounded me with His entire body. His left arm was closely intertwined into my left arm and the same with my right arm. He lifted His left arm and my left arm followed, He walked two steps and I automatically followed. HE COVERED ME. Exodus 33:22 “and while My glory is passing by, I will put you in a cleft of the rock and I protectively cover you with My Hand until I have passed by.”
Saturday arrived and I was tired, but my excitement was so much more. I have gained so much information with every session. I constantly thank God that I am placed in the right place in the right time. Testimonies are shared and ONE in particular stands out for me. I am moved beyond measure. While she is talking it feels like I am breaking bit by bit and for the first time in my life I acknowledge that the pain and trouble I have, which I thought I have “dealt” with… is not dealt with at all. Throughout the sessions during the day I am constantly convicted of this “void” “something deeper” everyone is talking about, and I tried to rub it off, but it was of no use to try. With this testimony, it hit me… I know what my VOID is. After the testimony, we were allocated prayer partners. Immediately I am so anxious I am physically struggling to breath and I actually turn to my friend and said “I CANNOT DO THIS NOW, I AM NOT READY TO SHARE THIS, I CAN’T DO IT!” Everyone gets allocated and the only thing I can think of is to… RUN, run as fast as you can. My mind tells me, “You know the drill, this is what you are good at and it has worked for you for so many years” Pierre’s preach on running runs through my mind, but I give it no thought at all, because all I want to do is RUN. I only take my keys, I was prepared to leave everything behind. I make my way to the door, down the stairs and I go to the ladies room. I run into a cubicle and just sat there. Sobbed my heart out, scared, anxious and afraid. Feeling overwhelmed and not ready for any of this at all. Then I hear: Philippians 4:6 “ Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your requests known to God” .
I dry my tears and use the technique I teach my kids, breathe in with your nose and then breathe out with your mouth, over and over again. I feel weak and I say to myself over and over again that His strength comes alive when you are on your weakest, well this must most certainly be my weakest. I get to the stairs and as I look up, it feels like the biggest and highest mountain I have ever seen in my life. I give the first step and all I repetitively say to myself is that I believe in a God who moves mountains, His love for me is steady like a rock and not shaken and my fear doesn’t stand a chance when I stand in His divine Love for ME. I get to the top and meet my prayer partner. God must have known that I am going to totally break down and be vulnerable because He gave me and my prayer partner a cozy isolated area. We have not even sat down yet and I broke down in tears and I laid my pain down in front of our Heavenly Father, I could not stop talking or crying for that matter. We prayed and I sobbed through it all. When I got up I felt lighter. I could feel the lied that I have believed for so many years washed away. The best feeling was that I could feel God, His presence, His love and His acceptance. Now more than ever I am willing and able to confront any other pain or trouble I carry. Yes there is still a few things I need to sort out, but I am not anxious about it anymore, I am not scared to bear my whole heart in front of God. I actually want to do it, because I realized that Him and Him alone can mend me, can fill all my empty spaces and can make me feel whole again. He fills up every sadness, fear and heartache.
It took a heartbreak 3 days before this, 2 visions, a testimony and a total open heart to get me to how I feel now, TRUE to GOD!. I have cried every day since Saturday. Some days it’s a happy cry and sometimes it’s a breaking down cry. I was torn, I am still a bit bruised but I realise now:
Even though it hurts, and believe me it hurt me bad, you need to be stripped down to your core to make sure that your Throne is only occupied by Jesus. Your identity should be buried in Christ. Find your acceptance, approval and eternal love in Him, you will never have to face rejection with Him. He will never disappoint you. Learn to understand that He is a God that move mountains and sometimes He is not going to move the mountain and you must accept it, because He knows His plans for you and it is good plans. I believe that God has planned a great life for you, it may not always be an easy life, but my oh my, it is eternal greatness from a trusted and loving God. I know God is working with me and someday I will glorify His name with my testimony for ALL to see how wonderful He is. He is my one true, first love and nothing will change that for me ever again.
You are in this world and not from this world. I understand now that I may have heartbreak in the future, I may have difficult, struggling days and everything will not just run smoothly. BUT I have HIM, and as long as my WHOLE HEART is His and I accept His will for my life. I will be okay, more than okay, I will be eternally grateful for a life spent invested in HIM.
Victory Training Participant